Hola chicos, chicas -
Hope you're well and all ready for Christmas. We've had major dealings go down ... car drama and general misadventures. But all is good now. (I'll fill you in on that later. I just wanted to do the whole Christmas Carol post before I forgot or got too busy.)
SO we're totally bummed because we're not going to be able to go home this year. Josh is, however, getting two whole days off - huge - but it wouldn't be long enough to drive 10 hours to Enterprise, stay one night then drive back to Miami on Christmas night.
So instead, we're gonna stay here, do dinner and watch all of our classic movies - "It's a Wonderful Life," "The Grinch," "Miracle on 34th Street," "Charlie Brown's Christmas," "Christmas Vacation." And of course, "A Christmas Carol" with my favorite Scrooge, George C. Scott.
Speaking of. This year, with my cynicism raging, I've discovered some major plot holes in ol' Mr. Dickens' story.
OK disclaimer before you read this ... bare in mind that I love this play/movie/the whole bit. It's mostly tongue in cheek ... mostly. I get the meaning and the symbolism. I know what it's trying to do.
But if you have seen this/read this about a billion times - and I have - there are certain questions that arise. And honestly it can be pretty funny.
So without further ado here are the most inexplicably, fucked up parts of this timeless tale ...
* Why Scrooge? OK so let's be honest, Ebenezer Scrooge is a total dick (savvy business man yet a complete jerk) but come on ... he's not an "evil" man and certainly not the first business man who's less than ... um, benevolent.
You also have to realize that the definition of evil in 1840s England is pretty broad. There are atrocities in work houses, orphanages, poor houses. Folks are being murdered in the streets left and right. (A few decades later someone was slicing up hookers in the East End). For the most part, these people were getting away with it.
And yet ... this is the guy the "Powers that Be" decide to focus their efforts on? Yeah total ass hat, a miser of a man, but with a pretty heartbreaking backstory of his own. Honestly though, he's not really hurting anyone other than himself.
Today, he could be a sort of tea party folk hero (like Ted Nugent). Just think about his viewpoints on social services -- makes him a total Republican, right? In fact, he'd prob be a Fox News commentator. He doesn't want to help make "idle people merry" at Christmas, which is right in line with today's right wing conservatives.
Those damn idle people. Freakin freeloaders. (I wonder why aren't spirits lining up to scare the living shit out of the GOP?)
As far as Christmas goes, he objects to the commercialism (and makes some valid points). What's wrong with that? Although I do agree that the whole "decrease the surplus population" comment is pretty freakin harsh (thank God Scrooge wasn't able to Tweet that sentiment), but other than that ... he's spot on. So, for real, why him?
* Why the hell is Tiny Tim allowed to "run" amuck? This is a child is on death's doorstep and his parents are absolutely fine with letting him hobble through the streets of London all by himself?
Excuse me? I realize that times were different then but letting your cripple son stumble around alone seems really wrong.
They even let him go hang out at his father's workplace to wait for him ... in the fucking cold ... for hours on end. I mean, Bob doesn't even invite TT inside. Scrooge is gone ... he won't know. But no, he just sits inside, all warm and toasty, whilst his cripple son slowly freezes to death. Really, Cratchit?
No wonder the kid is dying. It probably has a lot less to do with Ebenezer Scrooge and a lot more to do with the fact that his parents are completely incompetent - standing by while he picked up pneumonia/TB/scarlet fever/take your pick of disease on the street.
Geez, people, make that kid come inside.
* Business is business: One of the primary examples of Scrooge being a complete jerk off is the Exchange scene. He meets with some clients who are trying to buy his corn. Well they hesitated and now the price has gone up. Since yesterday. Yeah it's a shrewd move but he's a business man. That's what you do. Prices fluctuate. If you can't handle that, you probably don't need to be in the biz.
So the customers get all bitchy but eventually cave. And I'm just thinking ... good for you, Ebenezer.
I mean, hell, if this behavior is enough to summon-up a spiritual intervention ... I shutter to think of all the ghosts visiting Wall Street a-holes.
* Poo and Hatter: First off ... Mr. Poo and Mr. Hatter? What the fuck. Could you possible come up with two more ridiculous names for charity workers? No. You couldn't.
Plus they totally blindside poor Scrooge while he's working. He's trying to get his biz on and these two assholes jump him, asking for money for "the poor and destitute." It's the 19th century equivalent of a Feed the Children commercial (or telemarketer call at dinner time). Completely annoying.
He doesn't know these guys from Adam's Housecat and they expect him to just fork over a small fortune because they asked? I don't think so.
Then they get all pissy when he says no. If they are legit, they should consider upping their cred with a business card or something cause really their approach has scam written all over it.
* Marley is super helpful ... now. So he's been dead for seven years? All the while, Scrooge is building his "ponderous chain" of dicktatude.
Then, all of a sudden, Marley shows up to warn him that his shitty attitude is going to literally kill him ... and, as if that wasn't bad enough, condemn his spirit to lugging miles-worth of chain for the rest of eternity.
Where the fuck has he been all this time? He's had seven Christmases to "walk abroad and witness what he cannot share ... but might have shared." Yet he couldn't find the time to pop up and give Ebenezer a "hey you should really stop being an ass" wake-up call until he's tittering on the brink.
Thanks, Marley. Appreciate you waiting 'til the absolute last second. How 'bout you add another link in your chain for that one, dick.
* Ebenezer's past Christmases: In every instance, you're reminded of how shitty his life was and you feel completely sorry for him.
Frankly, you understand why he's turned out the way he did. Damn, that poor kid had it rough (although fairly cushy for Victorian-era England).
The ghost just brings him back to remind him of the rotten childhood he had ... then expects him to be all repentant? I think it just drives home the fact that Scrooge isn't as bad as he should be. He could've been a serial killer. Homie doesn't need a ghost, he needs a shrink.
* Belle is a total bitch: So Ebenezer works his ass off for years to scrounge up enough money to marry this chick ... and she's pissed about it?
When they have their last meeting, he explains that he "hasn't changed towards her" and that he's just trying "to use his time and opportunities wisely." Sounds like a freakin catch to me.
Then when she asks the all important question ... "would you seek me out and try to win me now, a dowerless girl with nothing but myself to bring to a marriage" (and yes, I have all of these quotes memorized. No, seriously). To which he responds, "you think I would not then?" (Because he would.)
She freaks. And goes off about how his answer is "so characteristic of the careful man."
And? He's smart and responsible. All traits you'd want in a husband. So Belle "releases him" and storms off into the snow. He doesn't follow her (because why would he, she's a total wench) and he's to blame?
Later, Belle marries an insta-rich guy and spits out like 150 kids. Basically, that's what she was looking for ... she didn't want to wait around for Ebenezer to make some chedda. She wanted it right then and there. She didn't get it and dumped him.
The ghosts should be visiting her. Gold digging ho.
* Christmas present guy: There is so much going on with him ... I don't even know where to begin. First of all, who the hell is he? You never find out ... unless he's the ghost of capitalism and/or excess? Also homie has more than 1,800 brothers and sisters. Um, what?
He proceeds to drag Ebenezer to the market to show him just how people spend money on Christmas goodies and then shows him what "good use those wares can be put."
Alrighty, Mr. Capitalism. I thought that the Christmas spirit was based in love and family ... not wine and gooses. Apparently, I was wrong.
You can't have a good Christmas unless you drop some major cash at this particular shopping spot. In fact, I keep waiting for him to admit that he's just a marketing exec for this place.
ALSO he drags Scrooge to all of the homes where people are talking mad shit about him. I mean, come on. That's just plain mean.
* Ignorance and want: Still Christmas Present. He's walking around with two naked kids in under his robe?
Um. OK. I mean, I get the symbolism. But still. Super weird.
And why doesn't he just share all that food he had with him at the beginning of the encounter? He seriously had enough to feed a freaking army. He wants Scrooge to man-up and start sharing his wealth but he damn sure ain't gonna share any of his mountains of food and wine. Bastard.
* Ghost of Christmas future: Super spooky, this one gives every clue aside from a flashing neon sign that Scrooge's days are numbered if he doesn't change his ways. (After all, apparently the future is negotiable?)
So Ebenezer breaks down, repents and becomes a super great person. My hope is that once the ghost is done with Scrooge ... he goes back to get all the folks who stole Ebenezer's shit while he was "future dead."
Aren't they way worse than Ebenezer? I mean, again, he's a dick but he doesn't go around stealing personal effects of a dead person (who's corpse is still laying in the bed, mind you).
* Street kids do anything for money: Alright again, times were different but come on. A big, rich stranger yelling from a window offers you money for a favor. You're cool with that? No red flags?
Even more so, the market people that this street kid visits are totally fine with selling their prize turkey to a random child ... on credit?
Righttttttttttt.
* A realistic ending: I love the way "A Christmas Carol" ends. I love that Scrooge makes amends, rights himself with the Cratchits and becomes "a second father" to little Tiny Tim. It's perfection. But totally ridic.
This is what would actually have happened: Scrooge would come out on Christmas spouting all of this Christmas ghostie mumbo jumbo and Fred (being his only living relative) would have him committed, locked away in a nut house whilst taking all of his money, property and his business.
He would actually probably share it with ol' Bob because Fred totally has a man-crush on him. I mean, he pretty much stalks him. Every time you see Bob he's talking about seeing Fred somewhere. This is London, people. It's not like Enterprise. There's more than one church, store, shopping center etc.
Oh and Tiny Tim would totally cash out ... because - Scrooge or no Scrooge - his parents are completely awful and irresponsible.
So there you go. A rundown of the major the pitfalls in "A Christmas Carol."
Merry frickin Christmas and God bless us everyone!
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